What every mama needs to know about bedtime with 2 or more kids
Let’s just say it straight up - it is absolutely completely NORMAL when expecting baby number 2, 3, or 4…….. to worry how the heck bedtime is going to roll with your current baby/toddler!
Ask any second time mama, who has chosen to cuddle or feed her first to sleep, or is currently bed-sharing, what was stirring her up most inside as she got closer to her due date and I am sure traversing bedtime with two will rank highly on her list. What absolutely doesn’t help is the fact that society is also screaming in your ears as you become a mama to multiples that you must have kid number one sleeping independently, self-settling, or sleep sorted out in some form or another before the baby comes… or else!
Cue the negative self-talk and rising anxiety.
But all you really want is just one more cuddle, one more night holding your first born, knowing in the back of your mind that things are about to change, but not quite ready to let go of how things are just yet. You want to savour these moments, just you and them, to be just you two for a little while longer. And that, Mama is a-ok! If you are not ready to let go just yet, you don’t have to.
Be kind to yourself, this new transition will take all of you a while.
You've been through this once before, adapt where you can and be kind to yourself in the chaos.
Those feelings you feel are real.
Having a second child brings up all the feels! How will your first one react? Will they think you have just replaced them? Will you feel the same love for this child as you do your first? And what if you don’t? Again all naturally normal thoughts that I can guarantee run through almost every second time mama’s head at some point.
Bringing a second child into the family can be more anxiety provoking than bringing in the first. We now have a lived experience of what it takes to bring a little human into the world and just how much of us they actually need. We know that bedtime is not a linear progression and at some stage or another it is usually messy, and so the anxiety you might be feeling is somewhat justified. You can feel as though you are losing even more control over your own life or at least on the verge of letting slip the little control you had clawed back after having our first. So it is only natural that you look to sleep as a place you can possibly help grapple back some of that control. You think to yourself if your first is just did XYZ, then it will all be fine when the baby arrives.
It doesn’t have to feel this way - you can find a place that feels “right” for you and your family. You don’t have to forgo cuddles with your first, nor do things differently with your second, there is a balanced place that will come, maybe not straight away, but you will find it over time.
Hot Tips for Nights When You Go From One to Two
I want to share with you a few hot tips on preparing for that change and finding that way that works for you and your family:
Start getting your partner involved. If you are lucky enough to have a partner who is around for bedtime try and gradually introduce them to the bedtime routine. Perhaps laying with you both, or reading a story to start with, find places where you, your child and partner are comfortable switching roles and progress in baby steps from there.
Creativity for the win. There is no right way to approach multiple kids at bedtime, so remain fluid and creative while remembering that you won’t get things right the first time. But also just when things are flowing your beautiful children will mix things up just for the sake of it. Trial and error is your friend mama, you are not getting anything wrong, your old family is just getting used to the new bigger version of your family.
All hail the baby carrier. This is one piece of baby equipment worth investing in! You can pop newbies in there and bring them along for the nighttime ride with your firstborn. Your hands are free to cuddle and comfort your oldest. This is one thing you will not regret buying!
Lower your standards. We all have good intentions with our first, our wholefood, screen free, organic fibred child. When your second arrives, what can really help is to let go of some of these ideals. Yes, no TV would be great in a perfect world, but don’t oppose it just to make life harder for yourself. If you need to use the TV for your toddler as you settle the baby, that's OK! A compromise here can be to just be selective about what they watch before bed - I am a big fan of ABC 25 minute shows like the Gruffalo, Room on the Broom etc - they are slow, beautiful images and few words.
Plan ahead. Things aren’t always going to go smoothly at bedtime, if your first born taught you anything, this is it. So use those snippets of time in the day to perhaps meal prep, grab something out of the freezer, get their PJ’s out, have things lined up and ready to go for the nighttime circus that might avail!
Introduce some wind down time. Try setting up some self directed activities in the evening like craft or an audio book. Full disclosure your toddler might not be comfortable without you there, but this is a great option for older kids. But it is possible a set of headphones in the bedroom with you, as you settle/feed baby, while listening to the audio book might just be the ticket for your toddler..
Safely bedshare. It is not safe for your toddler to sleep with your newborn. This doesn’t mean you have to rush to get your toddler sleeping independently. If you have a partner you can consider getting your toddler used to bedsharing with them. You could set up a floor bed in your bedroom with a separate mattress for your toddler. Try and do this sometime before the baby arrives so they can get used to this new sleep space. Perhaps your second might be comfortable in a bassinet or side car crib, who knows but it is always worth trying. If you do end up sleeping with both baby and toddler, ensure you and ideally your partner too are between the infant and toddler, and that you are facing your baby in the C-cuddle position.
There is no one way, and if you want to encourage independent sleep before the arrival of your second, that choice is completely ok and yours to make. It is possible to make gradual changes in a loving and supportive way so that your big one gets more comfortable with a little more independence at night. This is something I work with often with Mamas, so hope over HERE if you’d like to chat more about this.
How You All Traversed This Change
To show you how un-alone you are in feeling this way here are a few stories from the Mama Matters community - sharing how their families tackled the one to two change at night.
Whatever you choose, it has to work for your family. Sometimes though we can plan all we like and the little person who enters our world has other plans so it is best to expect the unexpected, but also be prepared to be flexible and try different things. Some nights will be a shit show, we all have been there, this does not mean that you are a failure, it means you are a human mama with small people to care for.
But you will also have moments looking at your firstborn across the room as you dance your new baby to sleep and your heart will pang for the days when it used to be just you and them. But there will also be nights when you see both of their sleeping faces, or your first born comes and cuddles newbie and you will wonder how it is possible your heart can contain this much love.
You’ve got this gf, you’ve already done it once, you can figure it out once again!
